I have a box in my closet full of notes and homemade cards from my middle child, Nathan.\u00a0 Most of them say he loves me and some are filled with accolades and praise declaring me the best mom in the world.\u00a0 There are thank you notes for cakes I\u2019ve made or gifts I\u2019ve given and even apologies for misbehavior.\u00a0 The contents of that box are priceless to me.<\/p>\n
The truth is, that many days, they are the only evidence or acknowledgement I have that Nathan truly loves me.\u00a0 Nathan is not demonstrative in his love.\u00a0 He never has been.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t give physical affection the way I wish he would.\u00a0 The only hugs I get are when I redeem a \u201chug coupon\u201d, which he gives out rarely and sparingly on particularly good days.\u00a0 He refuses to allow me to comfort him and shies away from my embrace.\u00a0 Every night I tuck him in and say the words I\u2019ve been uttering since the day I knew of his existence: \u201cI love you Nathan\u201d.\u00a0 And every night, there is silence.\u00a0 I\u2019ve grown accustomed to not hearing a response, but I\u2019d be lying if I said it doesn\u2019t sting just a little.<\/p>\n
In addition to his lack of affection, Nathan can be a difficult kid.\u00a0 He is moody and reactive.\u00a0 He is prone to anger and tears when things don\u2019t go his way. He is as dependable as an oak tree, but his flexibility is nil.\u00a0 Bending his will is a near impossibility.\u00a0 And it is so trying for our entire family.\u00a0 When things don\u2019t go according to plan, he tends to leak anger and lash out at those around him.\u00a0 He yells at his sister, quits games with his brother and snaps at my husband and me.\u00a0 And then there are consequences, followed by tears that he will not allow me to wipe away.\u00a0\u00a0 It is heart wrenching to see him break and shatter over the smallest things.<\/p>\n
Suffice it to say that there is not always a tremendous amount of visible or tangible reward in loving Nathan.\u00a0 There are days I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally, from trying to navigate the tumultuous waters that make up my son.\u00a0 My son.\u00a0 And there it is.\u00a0 He is mine and that is enough.\u00a0 Despite his moods and his challenges, he is my child and that is sufficient to produce overwhelming love for him.\u00a0 I look at him sometimes and I am overcome with affection and marvel, just because God has seen fit to entrust him to me.\u00a0 And while most days he is a magnificent and impossible puzzle, he is my puzzle and I am grateful for every piece of him.<\/p>\n
One of the most profound benefits of Nathan being mine is that I see pieces in him that go largely unnoticed by others.\u00a0 The first and foremost of these is his heart.\u00a0 As evidenced by the notes I keep, Nathan’s heart is both immeasurable and unfathomable.\u00a0 Tonight, that heart was displayed magnificently.<\/p>\n
Today was Election Day and I did not vote.\u00a0 Due to an unfortunate combination of some previous obligations, a significant miscommunication and confusing misinformation, my vote went uncast and I was greatly discouraged by it.\u00a0 But in the wake of my frustration and disappointment, Nathan gave me a far better gift.\u00a0 Seeing my sadness, he constructed a small voting booth in his bedroom and invited me to cast my vote.\u00a0 I was moved to tears by his compassion.\u00a0 And I was reminded of Matthew 5:7.\u00a0 “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.”<\/p>\n
As usual, I did a little digging and while the verse is fairly straightforward, the Greek word used for merciful resounded loudly.\u00a0 The actual word is eleemon,<\/em> which is derived from the root word eleeo<\/em>.\u00a0 The word means “to compassionate by word or deed, specifically by divine grace.”\u00a0 This is precisely what my son did tonight.\u00a0 He showed compassion through word and deed.\u00a0 He saw my heart and rose to the occasion.\u00a0 He put love into action.<\/p>\n My husband and I like to say that Nathan is an enigma wrapped in a mystery.\u00a0 There are days that he drives me to the highest heights of frustration.\u00a0 Then there are moments like tonight.\u00a0 Moments that he rushes over me with the deepest complexities of love and compassion.\u00a0 And I am so glad that he is mine.<\/p>\n I am confident that my love for Nathan, despite some of his less than desirable qualities, is just a sloppy shadow of what my God feels about me.\u00a0 Like Nathan, I am often unlovable.\u00a0 I can be difficult and ungrateful, stubborn and unbending.\u00a0 But also like Nathan, I am loved, not because of what I can offer, but simply because I am His.<\/p>\n I love the way God loves me.\u00a0 I love that I am His.\u00a0 I love that because I am His, He looks past all my inadequacies and sees what is best about me.\u00a0 He extends grace and finds me lovable.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\nShare this:<\/h3>